So another excursion out and about with the kids to tick another day off the holidays.

I found myself in yet another park getting as much free activity as possible, even though when I say free, what I mean is no entry fee. 

I still have to pay for ice creams, boating lake pedalo rides, coffees & cakes (because every self respecting knackered mum needs caffeine since been high on illicit drugs usually gets frowned upon..) so free, in parent world, means around £20 on consumable junk. But hey, no entry fee!

While I was hovvering around the climbing frame trying to fake good parenting and act like I was getting involved and watching the oldest climb and barge smaller people out of the way. An old lady came up to me to coo at baby who I was wearing in a sling. 

I might add that I also had the pram, but Baby had decided the pram wasn't for her and would only settle if I stuck her in the baby carrier. But to be fair, the pram acted as a really useful mobile carrier bag on wheels to put all the picnic stuff on. I'll miss that pram when it's no longer socially acceptable to push a kid around in it, I'll have to use my hands to carry bags and stuff. 

The old lady did the coochie coo thing (to baby, not me ) and then told me; 'you need to enjoy every minute with these you know, they're only young once'. And it struck me how stupid some things people say to you really are. 

Let's take her comments first of all.. 

'I need to enjoy every minute' !! Really, every single minute? Because I usually struggle enjoying that minute  at around 3am when baby wakes up. In fact, sometimes it's a lot of minutes, and I'm not rudely awakened from my sleep with a huge smile on my face thinking party time!

Then there's the poo that missed all the width of the nappy and went vertically up her back out of the nappy and stopped somewhere around her neck.. I had to change that bad boy. And all the clothes she was wearing. I had no medical latex gloves on either, I had poo all over me and again, I failed to enjoy that moment too. 

Then we had 'sickgate'. There I was actually enjoying a moment, lifting baby over my head and saying 'cheekyboo, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba' (don't tell my boss at work about this will you,  I will still be able to talk normally to clients- I think!) anyway there she is, over my head looking down and chooses that precise moment to sick into my face and my open ba ba ba ba mouth. I ate sick, I didn't enjoy it one bit, another minute not enjoyed!

Then there's the, 'they're only young once' comment. Well first of all, thank fooooooook, I can't do this all over again, once is more than enough! And secondly, I do know this already from my own experiences. I'm just climbing that age wall, not once has a birthday suprised me yet and deducted a year off me instead of adding. I'm quite aware of how the young to old process works. 

I've then had the 'Is she good' questions. Aimed at a 4 month old baby?! 

Is she good? Hmmm well if you discount the time she went into the bank with a shotgun because her card didn't work, and totally ignore her shoplifting antics in Boots (she can't get enough of the make up ranges in there), then yes, she's pretty good. 

'Is she in a routine?' Is another favourite of mine.. And I often think, well if you call waking up for a feed every night at 3am a routine then yeh, she's in a routine. Not the one I would've picked for us both, but she's in one. 

I was in a shop when the assistant said to me,'you must be enjoying spending all this time with them', referring to my maternity leave and the school holidays colliding and I almost grabbed her head and gave it a little wobble. Clearly, she was childless. Because it's impossible to enjoy all of the time with them. Not because they're horrible, I've told you, I quite like them sometimes, they're growing on me. I think they victimise and bully me most days but I'm learning to embrace it, they are challenging. And loud. Fundamentally tho, they are kids not adulty people you can sit with in a wine bar and chat to.  And they do random shit. 

I mean, the 7 year old walked out of Clintons Cards the other day in the shopping mall and did a cartwheel.! Can you imagine if I did that?? On the proviso I could even do a cartwheel anymore and if so, could I do it without seeing those weird dotty star things all around when I stopped being upside down. 

The 3 year old is willy obsessed at the moment, and he's been known to just wang it out in a shop. 

He's one minute stood looking at minions in Claires Accesories and the next minute his miniature Python is peeking at Polly the sales assistant. 

Hoping he grows out of that one, but if not, I'll still visit him 'inside'. 

But random! They don't pre warn you before they do something odd ! 

Polly, at Claires Accessories once asked me (re the kids) 'Are they all yours?'

It wasn't tempting enough to say 'God no, this big one is, but the boy I just found in House of Fraser so took him for my very own and the baby, I hire out just to make my life even more difficult when I'm out shopping' 

Yes Polly, I sacked the condoms, these are indeed all mine, not sure what I was thinking. Oh wait, I wasn't thinking, I was drunk.

I've lost count of the comments around having a boy such as, 'aren't boys different to girls'.. I'd say they are because that's how I ended up with babies in the first place. A boy did it. Not a girl. Because they are different. I'm just never quite sure what they mean tho or what they want to me to say to that comment. 'Yes, son has a willy and the girls don't', 'yes son has 2 heads and the girls just 3' so very different aren't they? 

And finally, apparently, 'boys look after their mummies'... I take one look down at 3 year old son and I genuinely fear for my life. Omg can you imagine that looking after me. I'd be covered in stickers and glue and probably have a diet of smarties and yoghurt and the occasional fruit shoot  and I'd no doubt be wearing my wellies everyday. Erm, no thanks. I'll keep looking after myself for now.. 

Obviously I don't give any sarcastic comments back to people when they ask me a ridiculous question because first of all, I'm so slow witted I only think of things long after the moment has passed and I'm laying in bed replaying the day and I think 'Awww damn I could've said that..' . And besides,  it's usually the sort of nonsense that I ask parents in return when I'm stood making idle conversation. I even hear myself say it and think what a loser I sound and why don't I keep it shut and just watch the birdies or something. 

So we all do it. We all ask people stupid questions, whether they have kids or not. 

My old English teacher once told me that there was no such thing as a stupid question, he's dead now. But I don't think the 2 are related. A stupid question didn't kill him or anything. 

So rest assured, ask what you want, It'll take me around 7 hours to come up with a sarcastic or witty retort so at the time I'll just respond with something basic and sensible. Unless this caffeine kicks in first!